put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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