You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
