3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
