I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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