PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
