Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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