Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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