I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
