Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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