Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
