I think I won the penis lottery.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
