I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
