just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
