just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
