just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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