already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
