Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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