That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i now understand why vodka
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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