A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
