Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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