The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
