I wish I could teleport
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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