i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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