Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
