Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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