The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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