Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize