I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize