you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
