He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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