I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
