If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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