Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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