He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
