Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
