She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
