i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
