Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
