I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
