Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
