I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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