What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
