Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
