tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
