I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
