when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
