I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
