I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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