That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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