so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
