I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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