you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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