Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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