i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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