I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were destined to go to rehab together
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
