a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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