operation harelip BJ is a go
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
