Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
